


Blurry Scenery

by Gelsomina



Series: Blurry scenery [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, NewS (Band), Tegomass
Genre: M/M, Science Fiction, lots and lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-07-17 16:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16099529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gelsomina/pseuds/Gelsomina
Summary: People live in a world where they must wear installments in order to be functional and invisible to the society. Masuda has removed his components and is hiding from the authorities as his true self. He meets Tegoshi, who he believes to be someone important, and ends up taking him along to search for others rebels...





	1. A spark

Tegoshi switched off the lights and locked the doors. He left work precisely five minutes after his shift had ended, and as always, he was the last to depart. It had nothing to do with status: letting everyone else go first simply meant he got to ride the elevator all by himself. Their publishing company was located on the topmost floor of the skyscraper, tens of other companies in the adjacent offices and throughout the lower floors. The middle of the building was filled with shops, karaoke bars, movie theaters and arcades, but they had already closed as well. The ride from the highest floor to the ground level was going to be peaceful and Tegoshi prepared himself for his daily micronap.

That particular day his routine was disrupted, as the elevator made an unexpected stop at one of the empty entertainment floors and a young man stepped inside. Tegoshi took a peek at him but closed his eyes soon. This was unfortunate, but he wasn’t going to let a stranger ruin his perfect moment of solitude. 

Forgetting the presence of another, Tegoshi continued to think about the bubble bath awaiting him home, the microwave dinner in his fridge, the table television and its hundred channels. Nobody was going to be home waiting for him, but that was all right. He’d have free time for barely two hours before the curfew, but that was all right. Tomorrow was Sunday and he was to wake up early for work and repeat the day all over again but that, too, was all right. Life was the same for everyone.

As unexpectedly as the elevator had made a stop before, something suddenly brushed against the back of his neck. Tegoshi turned around swiftly and saw a glimpse of the stranger’s arm that swung away from him. There was a sheepish smile on the man’s face, more sweet than creepy, more harmless than threatening. Tegoshi’s brows furrowed in irritation, but the random gesture had left him speechless and he couldn't say anything.

The man looked about his age. At the first glance he appeared normal, but the more Tegoshi stared the more he noticed things that were off. Buttons that were unbuttoned, inappropriate rings and bracelets decorating his hands, pockets in places where you wouldn’t usually put them. Clothes that were tad too big and baggy, hair that was colored brownish. Not striking, almost unnoticeable, but still unacceptable in a world that they lived in.

“Your shirt was crumpled under your tie, it looked uncomfortable…,” the stranger spoke first and glanced at Tegoshi’s neck.

“It’s not uncomfortable,” Tegoshi muttered and touched around his tie to feel it himself, and indeed, the shirt was crumpled under it. Had he gone on like this for an entire day? Nobody had of course pointed it out, they weren’t supposed to, but what kind of a fool must they have thought he was? Tomorrow and from tomorrow on he was to be extra careful. 

“Then,” the man said quickly, taking a tentative step toward him. “How about you leave it that way? It doesn’t look bad. In fact, if you loosened the tie a little and even… Let me show you.”

Tegoshi wasn’t sure why he let the strange man approach him. It was dawning on him that the other was potentially dangerous, yet he couldn’t put his guards up. They had been taught how to act in these type of situations and he remembered each step. When encountering rebels they were supposed to stay indifferent, not communicate by any means, get away as fast as possible, and report once they were safe.

But that man, even if he was a rebel, seemed harmless like a child who hadn’t yet been modified, fixed, and deprived of any innate qualities. His hands didn’t wrap around Tegoshi’s throat and throttle him, but nimbly, he loosened Tegoshi’s tie and started adjusting his shirts. There was a small smile on his face and his eyes looked kind. Who could fear such innocence?

While the man adjusted Tegoshi’s clothes, his eyes were glued to the collar around Tegoshi's neck. His interest also seemed similar to the way children watched and inspected the collars of adults and asked them, ‘What is this? When will I get mine’? Of course it was absurd to think the man had never seen one before, considering people got their individual installments after elementary school and were under strict surveillance until adulthood. Tegoshi inspected Masuda’s neck in turn but there was a tube scarf wrapped around his neck and shoulders, so he couldn’t say for sure whether a collar was underneath it. Or whether he really was a rebel, and had gotten his removed. 

“There. How about it?” The man finally withdrew his hands and Tegoshi turned to look into the mirror. It looked silly, the way the man had rolled his undermost shirt on top, the layers all rumpled. The tie was hanging from his neck loosely like he’d been in a fist fight, but he had to admit that it looked fresh and in a weird way appealing. 

The elevator reached the ground floor. Still staring at his reflection, Tegoshi calmly fixed his shirt collars and tightened his necktie, making sure he looked neat before stepping out into the hall. He stopped to give the man a somewhat disapproving look when he slouched out after him. Tegoshi expected the stranger to say something, do something, perhaps lose his temper, but all he did was shrug indifferently at Tegoshi’s silent rejection. The man turned his back and his gait was relaxed as he moved away.

Tegoshi stood in place, dumbfounded. From time to time he had seen rebels been caught and each of them had thrown a fit. He’d seen nothing but fussy, unpredictable people who were uncomfortable to be around with. They shouted, could randomly burst in tears, loitered in places where it was inappropriate, and embarrassed others. They didn’t walk away calmly like the one with funny pockets and smiles just had.

Tegoshi continued to stare after the man and in thought, he begun to loosen his tie again. He folded the innermost shirts like the stranger had done and tried to adjust everything like previously. Somehow, he quite liked it. Not only because he felt less tension, but since he also felt new excitement in his chest. Days were always the same, but today he’d been offered a change. Nobody ever brushed against his neck or touched his clothes, offered him new viewpoints or even talked to him. Interaction had become so alien.

Like under spell, Tegoshi started moving to the direction of the man. He had already lost him from view, but found him again in no time. The floor was nearly empty with only a couple of persons strolling down the aisles. People who had finished their work like him, and were too tired and deeply in thought to notice anyone else around them.

The stranger, being different from them all, didn’t notice only himself. He detected someone after him almost immediately, and halted his steps before turning around. The suspicion was now in turn across the stranger’s face and he inspected Tegoshi from head to toes as if Tegoshi was one of the rebels, one to be feared, one he should consider reporting to the authorities. For a split second Tegoshi wondered if this was a trap, if someone was walking around the streets and testing one’s faithfulness to the society. He would have failed. 

Before he panicked, the man suddenly smiled. His gaze had landed on Tegoshi’s necktie that was back to the silly design he’d suggested before, and it seemed to be exactly what he needed to trust the person in front of him. The man approached him much more relaxedly and offered his hand.

“Masuda Takahisa. I guess we should talk somewhere more private.”

Masuda’s eyes were sparkling and the smile on his face could’ve taken one’s breath away. Tegoshi stared, enjoying its warmth, but said nothing in response. Letting this go on any longer could destroy him and everything that he had achieved in life. But wasn’t he already breaking the law by not reporting someone acting extremely suspicious? Wasn’t he already rebelling by letting another rebel have influence on him? Tegoshi fiddled with the collar around his neck and wondered if it had broke. He shouldn’t have acted like this or felt like this. That thing was supposed to make sure that he didn’t. 

“Uh,” Tegoshi exhaled dumbly. “We could go to my place?” Something he had never said before, something he thought he never would. But other than his place or the other's place, he had no idea where it'd be private. He gestured hesitantly toward the parking hall and Masuda’s smile seemed to grow brighter. “Perfect. Let’s go.”


	2. Ignition

Tegoshi’s place was neat, gray, and gloomy. He lived in a flat too spacious for one person and everything from wall paints to decoration might have been exactly the same as downstairs. Or next block, or even the adjacent neighborhood. Everything was about self-constraint instead of self-expression, and nothing about the place spoke about him. Tegoshi felt proud of his home nevertheless, since no matter what rebels might have thought or said, it was perfect.

Masuda followed after him, left his shoes by the door and showed appropriate humility when being a guest in somebody else’s home. Tegoshi wanted to be more careful around him, but instead he became more and more trustful. His curiosity kept growing, while the little voice in his head reminding him of consequences was getting quieter.

Tegoshi noted the man carrying a small backpack only when he took it off, and placed it next to him on the living room sofa. Before it had been just another unnoticeable accessory. Masuda wore plenty of them, but had hidden them well by choosing plain colors and small sized items. Tegoshi had been ogling him from the moment they met, yet he kept finding new details.

“Would you like some tea?” Tegoshi asked before sitting down himself. Masuda shook his head, wearing another of his bright smiles. Tegoshi thought of what else to do for such a peculiar guest, eventually deciding to just get straight to the point. Maybe they could finish their talk before the curfew.

“Why did you… How come you… Are you, uh...”

“A revolter?” Masuda suggested and gave a laugh, low and pleasant. “I’m not. I’ve been searching for them for quite some time, but haven’t found anything in three months. It takes some dedication for people like me to believe they exist, so I’m impressed if you do, too.”

Tegoshi squeezed his lips together. He had not said a thing. 

Revolters were a community of rebels. It was rumored they were everywhere among them, looking and behaving like any other decent citizen. Their facade was perfect, but in reality they lived without their installments, wild and free, and possibly planned on destroying the current system. Tegoshi didn’t know much, since nobody knew much. Many refused to believe they existed, since even the police had never encountered them or found the secret bases that were supposedly all over the cities. Individual rebels differed from them. Those who only removed their collars and wandered in the masses by themselves were thought harmless in the long run. One person was not possible of creating greater disaster, but hundreds ganging up would be big trouble. Thus, the police continued to search for the secret community despite having no leads. Even if it didn’t exist today, people could always find each other and establish one tomorrow.

“I don’t necessarily believe in them,” Tegoshi opened his mouth at last. “But you’re a… You’re a rebel, right? You don’t have your components?” His fingers tapped against his own neck. 

“Oh, that?” Masuda glanced down and began pulling his scarf off without further ado. Tegoshi hadn’t expected him to be that forward, but he watched eagerly as the layers were peeled off. Like he had guessed, underneath was only bare skin. It was surprisingly obscene seeing one without their collar, like watching a naked body part that should’ve been concealed in public. Tegoshi had to take his eyes off soon and stare down at his hands.

“I don’t have them. Can you guess what fixes I did have?” Masuda asked.

Tegoshi thought about it but couldn’t say for sure. The man hadn’t shown his true colors yet, other than the boldness just now and the incident back in the elevator. What could that have been? “Your manners are all right, but you’re dressing up little funny. Some rebellious trait, perhaps?”

Masuda looked like he was about to burst in another laughter. “Close! But you see, they didn’t meddle with my rebellious trait, they thought it was harmless. Actually I was deprived of my creativity. I guess they thought that by reducing it I wouldn’t have any imagination left to rebel either. Kinda careless of them, don’t you think?”

“Creativity?” Tegoshi repeated in thought, dismissing the playfulness in Masuda’s last comment. It made sense that the man was naturally creative, considering his appearance. “So as a child you dressed up in weird ways and tried to style others?” 

“For instance,” Masuda pursed his lips, thinking back to it as well. “Apparently I also had odd views on all kinds of things, did my own stuff when I was supposed to study, and inspired other kids a bit too much. One time everyone came to school wearing only yellow instead of their uniforms, because I had suggested it...”

Tegoshi nodded in understanding. He got the idea and he got the reason why Masuda had been fixed. If he’d been there to evaluate the situation and pick the components, he’d done the same. It wasn’t good if people like Masuda roamed outside freely stirring trouble here and there. Tegoshi was interested in the story, but he was far from accepting the person in front of him. A slightly disgusted look had crept over his face and since Masuda watched him intently, he must’ve noticed it too. The condemnation didn’t seem to make him ashamed, though, and for Tegoshi’s surprise the smile persisted.

“I guess you think that’s applicable? I don’t mind. The life I’ve lived until now hasn’t been so bad, actually. I became an architect. They didn’t reduce all my thoughts, just the best of them. You know, thinkers are actually loved. Overthinkers are the ones who incite trouble. They needed someone like me to do them buildings, so they took advantage of me, but they took just the amount that they wanted. You know, if I had been my real self, those buildings I designed would’ve looked completely different! They’d been pretty.”

Enthusiastically, the man lifted his backpack on the coffee table and started rummaging through it. Tegoshi had leaned back in his seat, his arms crossed, and he was beginning to have second thoughts about bringing the man in. He had been too naive. How come he’d thought that just because the man had manners in public, he wouldn’t wreak havoc in private?

Masuda pulled a thick notebook from his bag and placed it down. “Here are things that I’ve been doing since I quit my job. The real me, right here,” he explained while tapping the covers with his finger excitedly. The book had been painted colorful and it was bursting with something else but words too, fabrics, feathers and different materials nearly slipping from between the pages. Masuda thrust the book toward him and hesitantly, Tegoshi started leafing through it.

It was filled with detailed drawings. Masuda had drawn tens of people wearing clothes million times more absurd than the ones he was wearing now. The costumes he had sketched were colorful, brash, and downright funny with their outrageousness. After the drawings came actual fabric samples for his designs, and Tegoshi grazed fingers over many textures he had never seen before. Pink faux fur and golden sequin were hard to come by in the first place, who’d think of making them into wearables? He browsed on and found more than just clothes designs. There were furniture, hairstyles, buildings, and architecture that definitely wasn’t presentable at work. Masuda had played with shapes, defied norms and in some pictures it looked like he was protesting the physical laws, too. Not all of it looked achievable, but it sure was fascinating. Tegoshi finished the book in silence.

It was courageous of one to possess an item like that. Creating without permission was an offence, let alone owning a book filled with vulgarism. Even though Tegoshi was basically holding a bomb in his hands, he was reluctant to hand it back to Masuda, and began to go through it more carefully again.

“Amazing, isn’t it? I’m pretty proud of some of them,” Masuda broke the silence. 

“It’s… Fresh,” Tegoshi admitted somewhat unwillingly. 

“You… You’re not at all interested in what you might’ve been? What’s the real you, what you might have been capable of?” Masuda sounded uncertain for the first time. He probably knew the suggestion was out of line and it was rude to think Tegoshi would even consider it. If that was the case, Masuda was right. Tegoshi scoffed and finally took his eyes off the book to look up.

“This is the real me. I might have my collar on and I’ve been attuned, but I’m still me. You were also you even with your components, weren’t you? If you were an architect, you were doing a fine job. I don’t get why you’re doing this. You should’ve stayed in your place.” Tegoshi pushed the book towards the other and brought his arms back over his chest. Masuda collected his treasure and hid it well in his bag before showing another smile.

“Well. First of all, you wouldn’t think like that if you were still you. Those are not your thoughts, but something that has been forced upon you,” Masuda shrugged. “I get it if you don’t want to try it. It would be simple, though. You could just take your collar off for five minutes and if you don’t like it, just put it back.”

Tegoshi opened his mouth to voice another objection, but the words sank faster and made him think. He’d never heard of that. He’d never even considered taking it off. They were provided plenty of information about the collars since early age, they even had a chance to tune them slightly to their liking. One of the features was tracking: they could choose whether they wanted to keep it on or if they wanted more privacy. Nobody could follow what they were doing in their daily lives if they didn’t want so. But it was never discussed that the collar could at any point of their life be taken off, even briefly. It was only known that anyone without one was a criminal. It was one’s identity card, one’s medicine and one’s complement. A person without a collar was dangerous for himself and the others.

Tegoshi touched the one around his own neck. There were no seams, no on and off buttons, nothing but even, smooth surface. There was a color code on the side, but it wasn’t palpable and could only be seen through the mirror.

“You have to cut the wires, of course. Between your neck and the collar, that way it’ll go off and it’s easy to remove. Reinstalling it isn’t really that hard either. I studied it thoroughly after removing mine, you just have to the attach right cords,” Masuda chatted in convincing manner. Tegoshi knew nothing about the build so he trusted blindly in every word. They sounded true. 

“Will everything be back to normal after… Attaching those right cords?” Tegoshi asked, beginning to waver. Surely, just five minutes wouldn’t hurt?

“Yep.”

“And you would never tell about this to anyone? You’d disappear from here and never show your face again when we'd be done?”

“I don’t even know your name,” Masuda shrugged nonchalantly. That was true. Tegoshi felt proud that he had been at least that careful. His last name had been visible at the building’s entrance, but there was no way Masuda could’ve guessed which of the thousands belonged to him. His front door only had a number, so he was completely safe.

“So you promise? I need you to promise,” Tegoshi continued sternly, clutching his collar.

“I promise. I’ll leave as soon as we have wired it back.” 

Tegoshi hesitated. His thoughts were impossible to put in order, he was already disarrayed. The line between right or wrong had gotten blurred. Masuda was messing him up and it was clearer than ever why rebels weren’t allowed to wander among them; their nonsense was contagious and they could make any proper citizen act inappropriately. Tegoshi thought about Masuda’s scrapbook and briefly about his past when he’d still been a child. He had nearly forgotten what about him was different then. It was good that every bad quality had been weeded out, but he was nevertheless curious to take a peek at those days. 

He got up and headed to the kitchen to fetch scissors. Masuda followed with hands in his pockets, looking so carefree that Tegoshi couldn’t make himself worry. Not knowing what should happen next, he shoved the scissors to Masuda’s direction. “Do it.”

“I need you to sit down,” Masuda instructed calmly and to Tegoshi’s horror, picked a strand of his own hair and cut it off. Noticing the shocked expression, Masuda laughed and waved the scissors in front of his face. “I forgot that was inappropriate too. But I had to test them. You don’t think I’d just go straight for your cords and vessels without knowing if this can cut them?!”

Tegoshi relaxed slightly but his expression didn’t soften. Masuda tossed the hairs aside and looked for the approval in Tegoshi’s eyes before moving closer. His fingers started to feel around the collar, occasionally brushing against Tegoshi’s neck while he studied its structure and searched for the connecting point. It was hundred times more intimate than watching one’s bare neck but Tegoshi had no choice but to bear it. He could’ve closed his eyes for the duration of the process, but since he was given the chance to inspect Masuda from up close, he didn’t pass it.

There was a small scar on the side of his neck, but other than that there was no trace of him having worn collar. The skin was smooth, beautiful, and Tegoshi had an urge to run his fingers across the exposed width. Knowing restraint better than anything else, he kept his hands in his lap and remained glued to the chair. 

Masuda’s fingertip slipped under the collar and he gave a small ‘aha!’ sound, almost immediately bringing the cold side of the scissors against Tegoshi’s neck. Only then, Tegoshi let his eyes fall shut, and he waited patiently for Masuda to be over and done with it. There was a quick snap, the cords cutting easily, and suddenly the scissors left his skin and Masuda’s warmth disappeared from his face.

There was nothing but silence. Tegoshi didn’t feel that anything was different, but he was afraid to move even an inch. He wrung his hands and slowly, once he felt ready, cracked his eyes open. The kitchen looked the same. The temperature of the room felt the same, it smelled the same. There was no pain, just tingling around his neck where the cord had been cut.

“Are you okay?” Masuda’s voice called barely above a whisper. Tegoshi was about to say a complaint or two, before the first wave of emotions hit him and swallowed him. His breath hitched and he doubled over.

The realization of what he had done, and fear and shame connected to that hit him hard. New feelings were bursting into his consciousness but he couldn’t name even half of them. It felt as if his lungs were being filled with emotions and his chest was growing tighter, until he was full and ready to explode. His shoulders had began to shake and it was fast spreading to the rest of his limbs, making him tremble from toes to fingertips. Tears were flooding his eyes and watered the back of his palms. At the same time he felt like laughing, since he experienced many positive feelings in the turmoil of negative and neutral ones. How could this be his real self? It felt as if he was completely broken instead of being back to his natural state.

All this while, he’d lived without passions. Without feelings that tended to be all over the place. In the past, he remembered, he had fallen in love too deeply. It had cause him to stalk girls in his class, profess his love overmuch, and display too much public affection with those who liked him back. He had thrown fits, punched people in anger that he did not know how to manage. There was jealousy and competitiveness that caused constant accidents and conflicts. He had gotten hurt from things that others didn’t mind. Even small misfortunes would have him sulk childishly and disappointments made him fall deep into despair, into a place where little kids weren’t supposed to be. There were too many tears, too much laughter, too much love, too much sadness, too much humanity.

It had been tens of years since he had experienced what was going on with him that moment. There had been intense shame and intense fear in the past, and he was getting back memories of times before and after that. A light touch upon his shoulder brought his attention briefly back to reality, but he couldn’t lift his face and look at Masuda.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. It gets better,” he murmured. His voice sounded distant and soon Tegoshi felt the palm leaving his shoulder, and footsteps going further away. He didn’t care. He fell back into his pit of despair and bliss, forgetting about his current life completely as he wandered his childhood.

When Masuda came back, he hadn’t budged. There was still only shaking and loud sniffling between the sobs and cries. It might have gone on like that for hours, even complete days, if Masuda hadn't made him forget about every single thought he was having. Masuda grabbed his collar and brought something against its surface. “Don’t move,” he said in a low voice and Tegoshi was too perplexed to disobey. Panic rose quickly when he heard the noise of a saw cutting metal, but before he grasped Masuda’s intentions he was free. The collar was pulled from his neck. Tegoshi raised his distorted face at last, only to see Masuda putting the broken piece and the tiny saw in his bag. The smile was gone.

"Sorry. I lied, I have no idea how to put it back. But this is better, you'll see."


	3. Flames

Tegoshi flared up. His body felt weak from the emotions that were shaking him, but the anger that rose was the most powerful of them all and gave him strength to spring up. Tegoshi’s trembling hands found the front of Masuda’s shirt and grabbed it. Blindly following his instincts, he pushed the man violently forward until he was back against the kitchen counters. There was a loud bang as Masuda’s head hit the upper cabinets and suddenly it was much harder to hold onto the other’s body. Masuda turned limp and heavy in his grip, and the bag he was holding dropped onto the floor. As Tegoshi let go and took few panicked steps back, the body slumped at his feet too.

A feeling of helplessness engulfed him next. Fear akin to a child’s, intense and rapid, and without means to figure his way out. Although Masuda had hurt him, angered him and betrayed him, Tegoshi didn’t mean to harm him to this extent. Like in the past he hadn’t wanted to punch people in the face and see blood dripping out, or their bruised eyes the next day. The impulses felt like him, but the consequences never did. It had always been hard to believe that expressing himself could result in such disasters.

Tegoshi squatted down and ran fingers over Masuda’s head, cautiously brushing hair off his face to feel if he was bleeding anywhere. There were no holes in the back of his head and just when Tegoshi had proceeded to check whether the man was still breathing, his eyes fluttered open. Giving a sob of relief, Tegoshi brought hands over his own face and covered the tears that were once again leaking. The sensation was weirdly enjoyable, but got replaced with the earlier fury soon.

Masuda had barely sat up when Tegoshi gave him another blow, though this time it was merely a weak push against his chest. “You promised me,” Tegoshi cried out, “ you said everything would go back to normal, that it was just five minutes. It has already been, it has been.. It has been at least ten minutes!”

“I’m sorry,” Masuda responded in a small voice. Judging from his appearance he was still feeling dizzy, possibly even nauseous, but Tegoshi felt only sorry for himself.

“I really, until the end thought you were one of them.”

The cycle of angry thoughts stopped. “What do you mean by that?” Tegoshi asked sharply. The tears ceased and he wiped the snot off his lips where it had been dripping.

“The revolters… I thought you were one of the revolters. You were the only one in these few months who gave me some reaction. You were the only different one, you even invited me over to your place,” Masuda explained. Regret or shame in his tone would've brought Tegoshi some peace of mind, but there was none. There was only calmness, steadfastness, like his actions were justifiable even though he’d been in the wrong. Nothing soothed Tegoshi's frustration and he gripped Masuda's clothes again.

“How?! How could I have been one of them? I was wearing a collar! I said all kinds of things that should’ve made it obvious! How dumb are you?” He cried without tears, unable to understand Masuda's train of thought.

“Nobody has ever met a revolter before... There must be a reason for that, don't you think? Their disguise should be so perfect that you have no way of telling. So I’ve been looking for the smallest signs…” Masuda rubbed the back of his head, avoiding Tegoshi’s eyes. “You could’ve been testing me, make sure I wasn't an undercover cop or the like... To be honest, I started getting suspicious after we got here. When I studied your collar I knew I had made a mistake.”

“You mean,” Tegoshi inhaled with difficulty, pressing his forehead against Masuda’s chest. He didn’t consider his actions or how it was his enemy he was leaning into; he only needed support and therefore took it. Tegoshi’s hands continued gathering fabric into fists before they settled upon Masuda’s shoulders. “You mean that before you cut the wires, you already knew?” He finished in a whisper, hoping if he used small voice to suggest it, the chances for it to be true would be slimmer too.

The following silence answered the question clearly. It was difficult to comprehend why Masuda had still decided to go through with it. If Tegoshi wasn't what he'd been looking for, why would he? What would he benefit from removing a stranger's collar? Masuda could've walked away. He had witnessed how trustful Tegoshi could be, how gullibly he had placed everything in a stranger's hands. It had been obvious Tegoshi wouldn't have gone after him, sent anyone after him, possibly even thought of him ever again. It was hurtful to think Masuda hadn't trusted him back one bit.

“I just,” Masuda started quietly, his shoulders tensing up beneath Tegoshi’s hands. “I don’t know. I just really… I guess I thought company could be nice.”

Banging his head against Masuda’s chest, Tegoshi suddenly burst out laughing. It wasn’t amused laughter, but that of incredulous. Tegoshi was in this state because of a lone wolf’s selfish wish. It was ridiculous. The breathy giggles continued and turned into a full-on laughing fit, and he felt almost good. His brain got tricked into thinking things were all right, and indeed, that moment everything had become tragicomically hilarious. Even the fact that this was his fault as much as Masuda’s, if not even more. After all, it was him who had let the wolf in. Tegoshi had personally handed out the weapon and given the beast all power.

The laughter subdued, but picked up again. Only when Masuda sat up straight abruptly and pushed him away, did he stop. Tegoshi caught on instantly as he saw the other gagging, hands over his mouth, and he jumped up to look for anything to use as a bucket. The exact moment he handed Masuda a random kitchen bowl, the man bent over and vomited. Weirdly enough, blood would’ve been less disgusting than this.

It had been better if Tegoshi didn't help the man at all. He didn't want to comfort anyone, pamper anyone, when someone should've given all that attention to him. Masuda had possibly gotten a concussion but that served him right, and Tegoshi wanted to hold onto that resentment. But when his instincts kicked in, there was little he could do about his actions. He had never been motherly, but he had always had fast reflexes - and with that he tried to explain why he'd offered assistance. When he instinctively helped Masuda up once he was done vomiting, and even assisted him back to the living room, he wasn't sure of what to tell himself.

“Thanks,” Masuda smiled at him, looking annoyingly grateful as Tegoshi helped him onto the sofa. “I think I hit my head pretty bad,” Masuda murmured as he turned onto his side, rudely turning his back. “I feel so sleepy... Can we talk about this later… Tomorrow? We’ll figure everything out tomorrow, you go to sleep too.” The words were muddled as if Masuda had already drifted off and was talking in his sleep.

Tegoshi had no idea what to do. He didn't know if he was okay with Masuda's suggestion, since he had no idea how he should've dealt with any of this. By now Masuda should’ve been out of his apartment and he should’ve been the one going to bed, smilingly, remembering good things from his childhood but knowing that present was still better. This man was not supposed to stay overnight on his couch, like no-one had ever stayed over at his place for the night before.

Before, Tegoshi would’ve felt offended by such invasion of privacy and personal space. Something would’ve alarmed him that it was inappropriate, but now his mind didn’t signal him any warning. There was only helplessness, confusion, even curiosity for what would come after. Tegoshi stared at Masuda’s back for a long time, even after he started hearing the sound of sleep and noted the body in front of him relaxing.

The laughter was gone and so were tears. The emotions stayed, strong and intense within him, but all Tegoshi did was sit with them. If he had felt more energetic, he would’ve walked with them. He would’ve screamed them out, done anything to get rid of them, but he was too exhausted to lift a finger and search for a way to silence the storms. The exhaustion from work had also settled over him, the kind he had never experienced before. Twelve hours of work a day had until now been nothing, but he could feel everything that it did to his body now. Only, he didn’t know how to connect the tiredness to that. He blamed it all on Masuda.

Tegoshi woke up early the next morning, finding himself laying on the living room floor with cushions between his legs. The feelings seemed to have left him as he enjoyed his morning haze in silence. Memories from last night came to him only when he sat up and saw another man asleep in his living room. It didn't take long for the overwhelming sensations to be back bothering him.

Tegoshi got up fast and headed to his bathroom, like he could've ran away from every thought and emotion that struck him. Pulling his hair, Tegoshi walked back and forth and around the room, only half-aware where he was and what for. All he could think about was the pain and tightness in his chest. The feeling of choking and the breathing that was turning more and more shallow. The need to get out and the realization that there was no place to go to. He feared death and was certain it had come to him.

In just few minutes he was as exhausted as he'd been last night. When he started grasping reality better again and his thoughts were turning more coherent, he started considering his options. One was to go the police and report his assaulter, get his components back and continue from where he left. Second option was to cover his neck, go to work and pretend that everything was normal. He could buy himself some time, and think it through when he’d get home that evening. Third option was, that he didn’t go on with his old life but tried his luck with the new one. He could ditch Masuda and find his own pace of things. Masuda had seemed lonely living a life like that, but Tegoshi was not prone to such ridiculous feelings. He was sure of it. If he was to go with option three, he would survive independently.

Tegoshi's feelings were contradicting. He wanted all three options, he found safety in all of them. Going back was reassuring and staying was exciting, and he found himself liking both possibilities.

Tegoshi sneaked out his bathroom eventually, his hair, teeth and face unwashed and unkempt. Masuda was still sleeping on his sofa, snoring softly, and Tegoshi felt thankful for that. He didn’t want to confront Masuda and let the man affect his decision, like he seemed to have affected his every thought since yesterday. Perhaps Masuda wasn’t manipulative per se, but without having his own thoughts, feelings and opinions, Tegoshi hadn’t been able to decide what was the best for him. He didn’t realize everything was different today. He didn’t know yet that in fact, the real him didn't sway. The real him was persistent, stubborn, and his very own person.

Tegoshi grabbed his jacket and left his apartment in yesterday’s clothes. He hadn’t checked the time but it mattered little at this point. Two hours later he had already returned, feeling elated, alive, nearly ecstatic. His heart was racing but from completely different reasons compared to yesterday. Yesterday had been filled with fear and anger, but today the same bodily sensations were for something positive. He could’ve even cried happy tears, and laughed that mad, endless laughter.

Masuda was still in his apartment but Tegoshi didn’t feel angry for finding him in the kitchen - he didn't feel even hint of annoyance. He was too overjoyed to let anything meddle with his mood. Proudly, he stormed in, drank Masuda's tea that was sitting on the kitchen table, and danced around. Masuda had been cutting photos from today's newspaper, but he had now stilled and watched Tegoshi with his eyes wide from surprise.

“Guess what! You were right, I do feel much better!” Tegoshi laughed smugly, flopping onto the chair opposite Masuda. Too thrilled to stay still, he immediately started rocking in his seat. Masuda kept silent, didn't greet Good Mornings neither commented Tegoshi's unexpected triumph in any way. He seemed to wait for an explanation and Tegoshi was happy that he was expected to do the talking. Oh, did he have things to talk about.

“I quit my job! I went there, told my boss how this is not what I want, and told my co-workers what losers they are! I went to play those arcade games, you know, yesterday you entered the elevator from that floor so you must know. And guess what, I won a prize!” Tegoshi started looking around when he realized there was nothing in his hands to show off. Where had he already misplaced the small plush toy? There was nothing in his pockets and his jacket lay somewhere in the hall where he had tossed it. Perhaps it was there.

“I’ll show you later. I never knew those could be so fun! They had a karaoke bar too but I left my wallet here, came to get it now so I can go back… I only had few coins in my pockets and I played them all. So then. I’m going to go back to the arcade and you can do whatever you want. But don’t be here when I come back, okay?”

All color drained from Masuda's face and the always calm expression had turned into a fearful one. Tegoshi stopped talking and moving around for a second, surprised by the abrupt change. Before he could make sense of it and realize what for Masuda looked so frightened, the other had gotten up and yanked him up after him.

“We need to leave immediately.”

Tegoshi tried to yank his hand back but Masuda was squeezing fingers around his wrist so hard it was beginning to hurt. “I’m not going, you can’t dictate my life any more than this. You go wherever you plan to go and I already told you where I'm going!" Tegoshi shouted back and continued to resist, but the weakly Masuda from last night seemed unbelievably strong now.

“Listen, if you don’t want anyone to dictate your life ever again, then you leave with me!” Masuda sounded so serious that Tegoshi finally gave in, and let himself be led to the entrance of his apartment. “They’ve probably reported you already, did you not come to think of that? Someone screaming insults and playing games publicly in the morning? You’re fucking unbelievable. Pray that they aren't at your doorstep already...”

Tegoshi shrugged and grabbed his jacket from the floor, before half-heartedly putting on his shoes. It felt rather nice to be scolded, it had been an eternity since the last time. Insults, conflicts and hurt feelings were part of childhood. They had no place in the functioning world of adults, but oddly, Tegoshi was beginning to appreciate everything that had been missing in his previous life - even the bad things.

Maybe he could tag along until Masuda took him somewhere safe. What had just been said made sense and he was beginning to grasp the urgency of the situation. Afterwards, he could shake Masuda off and choose his own path. Perhaps learn a bit about survival from the other since he'd been out there for three months, but after that he'd definitely choose his own path.


	4. Warmth

They rushed down the streets and far away from Tegoshi’s building, Masuda refusing to stop for even a minute. It would’ve taken only that long to adjust the scarf around Tegoshi's neck properly, but this way it remained hanging awkwardly from his neck and constantly threatened to be snatched away by the wind. Tegoshi was thrilled by the suspense and kept looking around for anything that they could run away from. Nothing indicated threat and if a report had already been filed, they were late sending the government after him.

They didn’t stop their speed-walk until they had found seats in a metro. The block they arrived to looked similar to any other part of the city, only slightly older and poorer than the usual. Some bits of it even reminded Tegoshi of the old days, which he had not lived but which he had seen in numerous photographs. Their first stop was by a small convenience store and Tegoshi followed blindly his new leader, who was too busy to explain the layovers of their journey or tell their destination. 

At the entrance Masuda grabbed a basket and Tegoshi stilled, laying his eyes on one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen. It felt natural to walk to her, lean against the counter and flash her a couple of flirty smiles and cringe-worthy winks, though he made sure Masuda had disappeared between the shelves first. The response from the girl was far from positive. Tegoshi ignored the cold way he was regarded with and tried different approaches in winning one’s heart. His fruitless attempts were spoiled by Masuda, who yanked him away immediately after noting his position.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Masuda snapped at him outside, his hands empty as he had left all groceries behind in panic. 

“The girl was pretty, wasn’t she?”

Rolling his eyes, Masuda pushed him away and on they went to ride another train. Tegoshi didn’t follow the maps but he assumed once they arrived, that Masuda had again taken them as far as possible from the previous location. The new area looked more upscale compared to the ragged neighborhood earlier, but Masuda guided him away from all the glamour until they had found the smallest buildings and stores around. This time, Tegoshi had to wait outside. He didn't agree to the arrangements but Masuda didn’t stay listening to his protests. 

They booked into a hotel room not far from the second store. Tegoshi had expected more adventures, but it seemed he had gotten his share for the day. They sat down in a small room after signing in, dug in the convenience food Masuda had bought them, and it seemed their next planned activity was to sleep. 

Masuda had offered Tegoshi the brightest smiles yesterday. He had been bubbly talking about himself and life without add-ons, but he seemed weary and quiet now. There seemed to be nothing for him to laugh about. Nothing for him to talk about, even though each second that passed in silence Tegoshi made sure to stare at him expectantly. Tegoshi yearned for more stories, for tips, explanations, more apologies, any verbal entertainment. Since Masuda didn’t take the initiative before or after the dinner, during the television shows they watched and not even when they rolled the futons open near bedtime, Tegoshi took it himself.

“My name is Tegoshi, by the way,” he introduced himself and earned a surprised look from Masuda. “Yours was Masuda... Takahiro?”

“Takahisa.”

“Takahisa… What are we going to do tomorrow?”

“We’ll hide,” Masuda muttered as he stripped down in his underwear and slipped underneath the covers. Tegoshi was laying down as well, but was sprawled over his own futon without any intention to get rid of his clothes and actually sleep.

“You mean stay here?” 

“Yeah.”

Tegoshi propped himself up on his elbows in order to shoot a glare at the other’s direction. This was not what he signed up for. He hadn’t signed up for anything, but if he had become a rebel, he wanted to live up to the label that had now been put on him. Live as himself now that he had been wakened, let the emotions rule him, let his impulses lead him. He had experienced the peak happiness today, he'd seen what his mind could be at best, and he was hungry for more. Hiding wasn’t living life to the fullest, it was a prison similar to being suppressed. 

“I don’t want to.”

Masuda groaned sleepily and turned his back to Tegoshi. “I guess we could go for a walk… But you can’t interact with people like back in the store, Tegoshi.”

A tiny smile crept over Tegoshi’s lips and he crawled over to Masuda’s side, unreserved in the way he flung his arms over the man’s body. It was strange how one’s instincts could change so tremendously. Tegoshi was more surprised by his own actions than Masuda seemed to be of the sudden closeness, the man reacting to the weight on him with indifference. Tegoshi had never in his life approached people with such freedom like lately, but instead of jumping back to his own side after becoming self-aware, he wondered why hadn’t he? This was far more comfortable than addressing people from the other side of the room. You could actually feel their warmth, their breathing, their heartbeats. Hear their voice clearer, read them better, witness them actually being alive.

“What’s wrong with some flirting? I was being subtle,” Tegoshi defended himself.

“Subtle?” There was a scoff and a bit of shaking as Masuda tried to shove Tegoshi off. His efforts were so minimal that Tegoshi didn’t bother to give in and move. “I bet someone would’ve reported that kind of behavior even in the old days.”

Tegoshi pouted at the accusation but didn’t feel too ashamed. The sugary voice and sweet lines he had used sounded great in his head, even now that he recalled them. It wasn’t like he had grabbed private parts and forced the girl into anything. Wasn’t that what savage rebels did and why they were caught? It was true that Tegoshi wouldn’t have done anything of the sorts two days ago when he was still an oblivious citizen. But as he compared this to Masuda’s approaches back in the elevator, he didn’t distinct much difference.

“So where are we going to go walking? Can we go to the karaoke bar?”

“No,” Masuda replied instantly. His voice was firm and unyielding, even though his body was relaxing under Tegoshi’s arms. 

“Why not?” 

"Somehow I got a feeling that you’ll cause ruckus… Besides, people don’t go there during the day even though they’re open. You want to get caught easily?”

“No...” Tegoshi gave it thought, finding his earlier behavior ridiculous now that he thought of it. The arcades were always empty. He knew the system, he knew the rules and when the leisure hours started. Most arcade halls and karaoke bars closed before it was appropriate to go out, and were obvious traps for rebels and those whose installments were loose. Izakayas were most popular places to go to after work and Tegoshi had played it even safer than that, always going straight home. People going to karaoke bars were seen as flimsy, and though those places weren’t downright illegal they were generally avoided. 

Masuda seemed to drift off to sleep, his body turning even more pliant underneath. Tegoshi stared at the man’s profile and the relaxed features, only then remembering the concussion incident. The man hadn’t complained about pain all day, he hadn’t vomited, but the had seemed very tired. Not out of gentleness but of interest, Tegoshi stroked Masuda’s hair lightly and searched his head for lumps. He found one that had formed at the top of his head, and caressed it for a few moments before rolling off.

Tiredness didn’t seem to arrive for him. He switched off the light but lay silently on his futon half of the night. Flashbacks tormented him and stole his sleep. Not only his thoughts aggravated him but his body had started to feel completely new too. With each memory came something that he could feel in his body, and the sensations were different from before. They had turned vibrant and noticeable, the pain was overpowering and the delight extensive. Each time Tegoshi felt distress and fear creeping over, he considered waking Masuda up to get in touch with the reality. Each time he turned and reached his hand out, he noticed that just facing the other’s back reassured him. Safety was so near.

Nestling closer, almost until his face was buried between Masuda’s shoulder blades, he was finally able to fall asleep.

Morning came more peacefully than the day before. Tegoshi woke up in his blank state and his mood was mellow during the cheap breakfast and quiet morning wash-up. What first enveloped him that day, was happiness as they stepped out of the hotel into the cool autumn air. Everything he saw looked wondrous, like he had never paid attention to the world before. Tegoshi noted the color of the sky, the scents around them as they walked through streets and parks, the delight of wind and the sight of leaves that the breezes carried around. He had never loved life as much.

At night Tegoshi had been awfully fond of Masuda, but daytime he found himself hating the guy. Every time Tegoshi felt like throwing himself in piles of leaves or greeting strangers, there was a tug on his sleeve reminding him to remain composed. The couple first times he didn’t care about it too much, but on the fifth time it had turned irritating, and on the twentieth he wanted to snap. Tegoshi was reminded of his decision to make this his individual adventure, and he grew more and more certain it was the right thing to do.

He was about to announce his resolution to Masuda, ready to shout it out loud when he noted a crowd of dogs appearing from a nearby park. There was a woman with several leashes and energetic dogs at the end of each one, some happily barking and others trotting side by side in a well-mannered way. Masuda continued on the path when Tegoshi stopped to stare. One heartbeat later he was rushing towards the puppies who were calling him, inviting him over for scratches and loving.

The smile on Tegoshi’s face as he squatted down was tender. The dogs turned louder and Tegoshi joined them with a bubbly laughter, scratching one’s belly and letting another lick his cheek. The woman had frozen above them, but Tegoshi paid no attention. Instead, he shot endless questions at her about the dogs, going on even though he didn’t get even one answer in response. 

His joy was interrupted by a pair of hands that grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him up. Tegoshi heard Masuda’s apologies, vague mumbling that the woman didn’t need to worry about this, it was under control. Only then Tegoshi took a look at the pale face of the young lady and noticed what was written all over it. She was frightened. Her knuckles were white from squeezing the leashes, her body was stiff and she seemed to have stopped breathing. Tegoshi got a sinking feeling in his stomach when he understood he was seen as a criminal. In someone’s eyes he had behaved like a monster.

They returned to their hotel, both silent and gloomy. A dark cloud was looming above Tegoshi’s head and it had started raining on him, his spirits dropping lower and lower. The earlier excitement was gone, the world was now colored dark. Masuda didn’t try cheer him up forcedly, sensing that leaving Tegoshi alone for an hour or two was for the best. He spent the entire day doodling in his notebook, until some hours before the curfew he suddenly got up.

“Let’s go have dinner. I’m starving.”

Tegoshi turned his head and tried to show his disapproval. Masuda disregarded the pained expressions and gestures pleading they’d stay this evening inside too. The man was already gathering his outerwear and putting on his jacket. If he hadn’t picked something from his chest pocket and started fiddling a tiny needle and a patch of leather, Tegoshi would’ve persisted staying put. Now, he sat up and crawled on all fours closer to see what the other twiddled with.

Masuda sat down and started sewing the patch on his scarf. His fingers worked nimbly and one width was attached to the wool within a minute. Forgetting all his worries, Tegoshi became fascinated with the art and kept leaning closer and closer, until Masuda had to turn in order to have any working space left. 

“What do you think?” Masuda asked him once the piece was in place, spreading the scarf to show it. Just one patch seemed pointless and lacked aesthetic value, but before Tegoshi got to say this the other continued talking. “Of course it won’t be just this... But you can’t distinguish black leather from black wool, right?”

To this, Tegoshi shook his head. Looking up, he saw one of the earlier bright smiles over Masuda’s face. The man was beaming, casting rays of light over Tegoshi too until there was grin across both of their faces. More patches were pulled from Masuda’s pockets and in ten minutes the man had attached five more of them, making a chequered pattern with the leather. Now it was starting to look interesting.

“Are you going to wear it just like this?” Tegoshi asked as he ran hands over the scarf, feeling the materials change under his touch. Instead of replying, Masuda picked the scarf and started wrapping it around Tegoshi’s neck, taking time to adjust it fashionably. Leaning back he scrutinized his work and Tegoshi basked in the attention, tilting his neck from side to side until Masuda showed him thumbs up. 

“I’ll let you wear that. Now let’s go out for dinner, all right?”

And with that, Tegoshi forgot his irritation from before, his soreness, disappointment and resentment. The million other things that had been dragging him down, but that didn't suddenly seem so powerful. Easily like one distracted children, Masuda had been able to distract him.

Masuda took them to a quiet, cozy restaurant, with only a few customers. Tegoshi felt relieved they had chosen a place where he could relax and finally be himself, but he was crushed shortly with Masuda asking him to stop smiling so widely in public. 

From there on, it kept getting worse. Tegoshi remembered why he had felt awful the hour before and he begun sulking, half against his will. There was nothing he could do about it, the corners of his mouth drooping downwards and his head hanging. He placed his order densely without making an eye contact and by the time the waiters came back for feedback on the food and inquiries for dessert, Tegoshi had turned unresponsive. He stopped following the etiquette when the food had been placed in front of him, and picked at it impolitely with his fingers, tasting bits here and there, and scrunching his nose like none of it pleased him. 

Masuda was smilingly trying to talk to him. Encourage him to be more careful, to try at least, but the curve of his lips was fake, forced. Tegoshi was growing sick of the pretending, sick of Masuda’s nagging voice that he had gotten accustomed to during the day. There was not one thing he could do in this world as his true self, it was starting to seem. He could not show he was sad when he felt like it. He could not show his excitement or the lack of it, he couldn’t be interested in people who caught his attention. What was left there for him? 

Masuda’s words of reason turned blurry, until Tegoshi no longer heard them. His mind filled with thoughts of how unfair the situation was, how unfair the person in front of him and the entire world was. The thoughts piled up until they were flowing over the brim and Tegoshi smashed his hands on the table, standing up. The cussing and colorful language coming out of his mouth didn’t make much sense, but he’d blown their disguise for sure. Instead of caring about the obscenities shouted at him, Masuda rushed to pay the bill and guided them out. 

The storm continued fiercer outside when they’d gotten out of the restaurant and far from all living things.

“What kind of life is this?” Tegoshi cried out. “You try to restrict everything that I do! I don’t have the collar anymore, now I have you to keep me in check. If you care about appropriate behavior so much, why did you trick me into this? Why don’t you make friends with those people, why did you want my company? You're treating me like some kind of puppet! Ah... Is that what you actually wanted? You wanted someone you could bring along wherever you wanted and act in ways that you like?!” 

“Listen,” Masuda started, but Tegoshi cut him off.

“Screw you, Massu! Screw you! I’m not coming with you back to the hotel, I’m going to go somewhere else alone,” Tegoshi continued with his eyes wild and nostrils flared. “Because you know what, I don’t even care if I get caught. At least for a little while I actually get to be me. Like this, I’m not! You’re not either, right? You think you’re so different and sneaky, but you’re actually just like them. You’re just like them and you don't even know it!“

Masuda had turned red but although there was a chance to speak now, there was not even a grunt or sigh coming out. No opposition, no scolding, nothing. Tegoshi stared at him with his brows knitted together, arms crossed, and with an intimidating look on his face. To his dismay, instead of fighting back – which had more or less what he had wanted out of it – Masuda turned around. The man's shoulders were stiffened and nearly reached his ears, and Tegoshi watched his hands squeezing into fists before he started walking away.

Tegoshi stared after him in surprise, feeling his blood starting to boil hotter. “Yeah, leave! I hope I’ll never see you again, you dumb idiot!” Even to that, there was no response. Tegoshi considered shouting insults harsher and harsher until he’d be granted a reaction, but Masuda was far away by the time he came up with anything witty. He could've kept shouting for deaf ears, but the chances were someone else was listening and that someone else could have called the cops. If Tegoshi was going to fully enjoy himself like he had just declared, he couldn’t possibly get caught minute after pushing his safeguard away.

Luckily they had found a remote place for their bickering. The neighborhood wasn’t far from the center, yet it was silent and had old buildings scattered around here and there. Tegoshi had thought everyone lodged in skyscrapers, but it seemed that small apartment houses were still hidden in the midst of them all. Tegoshi didn’t know where to go, which direction to take, so he settled with getting seated on the nearest bench. There was an empty sports field behind him and tiny ragged stores in the front. It was hard to say if they were abandoned, if this area was waiting to be reconstructed and had still traces of the past in it – or if the shops were actually still in business but just closed for the day. 

Slowly, Tegoshi’s breathing started evening out. His body began to relax and his thoughts in the silence turned more rational. He’d expected the triumph to stay, but all of it left and he returned to the gloomy state he’d been half of the day. This still wasn’t right. The world was still as depressing whether Masuda was in it or not. The limitations hadn't disappeared and he was trapped either way. The feeling of safety was dissolving slowly and made Tegoshi want to find a more secluded place, somewhere even more remote and silent. He wanted to return to the hotel room and he wondered if his pride would let him. Before deciding on it, his attention was diverted.

The silence was broken by faint footsteps behind him. They seemed to come from a distance away and were soon followed by laughter, bright and high-pitched. Tegoshi turned around curiously, seeing a couple of kids entering the empty field in track suits. It was a sight he had yet to witness. As odd as it was, they hadn’t bumped into any kids during the day. People didn’t bring their babies to restaurants with them, they didn’t walk their kids home but drove them in private cars, hiding them, making sure their flaws would be shown to a minimal amount of people. 

No adults were with the kids who bounced a ball into the field and started chasing it. Tegoshi remembered playing soccer himself when he was still a kid and the memory warmed his heart. It had been one of the things he had loved the most. He remembered the secret tapes of old soccer matches that he had watched together with his peers. He remembered the teams he’d cheered for, the players he had admired and whose tactics he'd tried to imitate. 

The kids in front of him reminded him of his friends back in elementary school. Two of his best friends had been bad with ball games, but they had still joined the team to extend their time spent together. Koyama Keiichiro and Kato Shigeaki. Tegoshi had forgotten about them, he hadn't thought of them for an entire decade. Where might they have been now? Tegoshi knew very well what had come of them after graduation, since everyone went down the same path, but he wondered about the what ifs. What if they had all managed to dodge the impending future and instead, had formed a real soccer team like they used to in the old days. That had been their dream. They had constantly talked about not taking part in the evaluations and pretending to be sick instead. The naive minds of children, believing they could've evaded it.

In the end all of them had gone through it. Half of it happened behind their backs, their teachers, parents and doctors discussing suitable components based on their records. There was only one discussion where the child was present, to fool them into thinking they had a say in the decision. 

More kids entered the field, friends of the first ones, and for the first time in a long time Tegoshi felt like he had found like-minded persons. Masuda was perhaps more similar to him than any other adult out there, but he was not on a par with children. How great it would be if nothing meddled with that laughter, those playful ways the kids greeted and jeered at each other. Tegoshi wished nothing had ever meddled with his innocence either. 

The game started and Tegoshi watched it from his spot. After witnessing the first goal and hearing the celebration, Tegoshi was done wallowing in his bitter emotions. He stood up, headed towards the field confidently, and the kids stopped to stare at him. Tegoshi didn’t have any kids of his own, so he didn’t know what were the exact guidelines for bringing up one. Judging by the guilt and fear in their eyes it was possible their current actions were considered punishable.

“Can I join?” Tegoshi asked cheerfully and gestured at one of the little boys to pass the ball to him. The kid did, guardedly, and though Tegoshi hadn’t been approved by the group yet, he started playing. Moving the ball across the field where all players had frozen up, he scored a goal and celebrated the easy win with a childlike laughter. It relaxed the kids noticeably, few trying to hold back grins, and one of them, possibly a kid as brave as Tegoshi had once been joined him. One by one they all returned to the game and Tegoshi was placed in a team, where he blended in perfectly. 

A feeling of euphoria coursed through him as he ran, competed and heard the cheers directed to him. He was thankful for every cell in his body for being able to move and he was thankful for his mind, his emotions, for being able to experience such happiness. The kids seemed to love him like he was loving them and their freedom. Tegoshi could tell it was new for them to see an adult behaving like this, and while he felt sad it was so, he was happy he was setting an example that not everyone had to be the same. Future wasn't as unchanging and gloomy as people had painted it, there was hope. One wouldn't need to end up like their parents who rarely smiled, never offered personal compliments or expressed their love. 

Tegoshi’s team had just scored another goal and he had squatted down to join a group hug, when he caught a glimpse of someone standing by the side of the field. The kids noticed the new adult right after him and immediately dispersed, few of them hiding behind Tegoshi. 

“It’s all right guys, he’s a nice guy. He’s with me,” Tegoshi reassured them as he watched Masuda, idly beginning to fiddle the scarf around his neck. The other had come back and stood there smiling. It looked gentler than any of the smiles he had offered before, like he was touched to see Tegoshi interacting with the kids - or even better, being himself without restraint. Tegoshi had forgotten the ridiculous anger, the irritation, every negative thought and feeling, and none of it came back with Masuda. There was relief instead, happiness even, like seeing a family member after years spent apart. As ridiculous as it was, Tegoshi welcomed the feeling and let the affection traverse through him.

Masuda didn’t disrupt him this time. The man didn’t storm into the field and grab his wrist to take him away, like he had kept dragging him away from situations involving outsiders. Now he sat down on the same bench Tegoshi had occupied before and simply watched him going. 

The game lasted for an hour longer, all their faces red and all of them panting, but all still eager to play more. The curfew drew nearer and at last one of the kids announced they had to leave or else they’d be in deep trouble. The other kids left the field one by one, though only after they had squeezed Tegoshi with their tiny arms or kicked his calf playfully. Tegoshi left among the last ones, though his journey back home took him only thirty seconds.

“I got you melonpan,” Masuda hummed with a small smile still stuck on his face, and dug a piece of bread from a plastic bag that sat next to him. Without even considering it, Tegoshi accepted the treat and joined his companion on the bench.

“Thanks for coming back,” he replied instead of thanking for the bread. Masuda shrugged and bit into his own pastry which he had been munching before. 

“I’m sorry...”, Masuda started quietly after he had swallowed. “I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to set you as many limitations as before, I just… Don’t want us to get in trouble. You’re more reckless than I am, you know. I know there’s gonna be time when we can be ourselves more freely but right now, I know it’s stressful but… Right now it’s like this. We’re on the run, Tegoshi.”

It was not right for Masuda to apologize and Tegoshi tried to look away in order to hide the shame reddening his cheeks. His outburst had been out of the line, Masuda hadn’t. Yet somehow, sorry was a difficult word and though he tried to utter it, he couldn’t. Tegoshi wanted to say he’d been in the wrong, but not even that came out. The compassionate look Masuda gave him as he struggled, reassured him that the other knew already, somehow. 

“You didn’t stop me right now, over there. Why not?” Tegoshi pondered as he looked over at the emptied field. It was funny how no soul still seemed to be present, other than them. Nobody had even passed by, as if nobody truly lived in those buildings. The street lights had been lit, but all windows around them remained black. 

Masuda shrugged again. “I would’ve stopped you if someone else had come here, but nobody did. I guess it was also kinda… Nice to see you that happy.” 

The shame disappeared and Tegoshi felt like bursting from an unexpected happiness, the sensation almost as painful as sadness or anxiety had been. To escape it, he quickly changed topic.

“So, did you just go to the convenience store?” Tegoshi took hold of the bag between them and peeked inside. He found multiple single breads of many different flavors, couple of beers, containers of sushi, and a bottle of wine which he lifted from the bag. “Huh? Surely this isn’t from konbini... Let me guess. After you decided to leave me, you wanted to get drunk because truthfully the thought made you sad.” 

“More or less so,” Masuda replied with a short laugh. 

"Really?" Tegoshi's eyes widened and the uncomfortable happiness was back, rummaging through him and he tried to rub his chest to relieve the pain. He had no idea where to shift the conversation from there, so he stayed silent. 

"Well..." Tegoshi brought the wine closer to his face soon, inspecting the label. "Let's get drunk and celebrate that you didn't leave after all. And also, because my team won." 

“It did?” Masuda laughed and held out his hand into which Tegoshi placed the bottle. Masuda screwed the cork open and took the first sip, grimacing a little. “Congrats. It seemed like a good game.”

“Didn’t it?” Tegoshi relaxed a bit, snatching the bottle back to himself to have a taste too. It made his face scrunch like Masuda’s had; it was the cheapest kind and had a horrendous taste. Yet he sipped more, enjoying the burning sensation and the aftertaste of alcohol. “Say, Masuda, did you do any sports as a kid?”

“I played soccer too. I also loved swimming… I really liked all sports actually. I was pretty good at them too.”

“Me too!” Tegoshi leaned closer instinctively. “Why didn’t you join the game?”

“I had to keep watch, remember?” Masuda’s smile diminished slightly but he looked still cheerful. Instead of fighting for the wine bottle, he picked himself a beer from the bag and uncorked it.

“Yeah… Hey, Masuda. I… Want to stick with you,” Tegoshi spoke with the bottle against his lips, taking a long sip right after. Masuda cocked a brow at him, amused. The defiance from earlier had disappeared. Now that Masuda had left him once and returned, Tegoshi could imagine it; the future in which he wandered alone. It didn't seem all that bright, it looked darker than his dimmest moments with the other. Tegoshi knew now for certain that he didn't want it.

“You want to stick with me too, right? You said I’m reckless and I think I will cause ruckus, but you’ll stick with me, right?” Tegoshi went on, trying not to sound as vulnerable as he felt that moment. His voice came out shaky nevertheless, despite the gulps of wine that were supposed to make talking truths easier.

“You’re actually pretty annoying,” Masuda snorted but the tone of his voice was kind. “But. I’d rather take that than something that isn’t real.”

Tegoshi was smiling. He had not heard the insult but only the compliment and approval. He could not take back the fit from earlier, the insults he had spat or his childish behavior, but he could do better tomorrow, and he knew that Masuda would be there too. Overcome with an intense feeling of affection, Tegoshi placed the bottle down to grab Masuda’s face in his hands. With a bright smile he pulled the other into a strong kiss, which lasted for a second, two, and three, before Masuda yanked his head back.

“Oi! What do you think you’re doing? I don’t like you that way!” The smile was completely gone. Masuda looked irritated to the core as he swept his mouth furiously on his sleeves. Tegoshi stared at the cheeks changing into a faint shade of pink and wondered if he liked Masuda that way. He had once been famous for being able to fall in love at first sight, but this was at least the hundredth sight of Masuda and he wasn’t convinced yet. 

“Don’t ever do that again!” Masuda went on with more grimacing and Tegoshi hid his grin behind the scarf still around his neck, shrugging his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so far the hardest chapter to write. I was stressing over the consistency, pace and characterization a lot here, and I'm not satisfied with the outcome even after re-writing this several times. Since I'm determined to keep this going and finish my first multichapter, I'll try to keep posting my work even if I'd rather hide it in my drawers. (ノД`)・゜・。
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading. ♡


	5. Blaze

The night had ended with laughter, hugs and muddy minds. They had returned to their hotel right before curfew and booked out the next morning, horribly hungover, but knowing they needed to change locations. Masuda found them another lodging with similar atmosphere to their last, but they didn’t settle in for more than couple of days. Tegoshi picked up quickly the way they were going to live: always running, advancing, and searching.

Though, the latter misson was Masuda’s only. Tegoshi didn’t notice it on the first week they spent together, as he was still getting used to the changes in himself. It seemed to be in his nature to be self-absorbed even when things started evening out, but he wasn’t completely blind to his surroundings. At times, he stopped to watch Masuda when the other wasn’t looking. He studied the guy and his expressions, while admiring the daily changes in his outfits and sometimes, just the handsome entirety. 

Tegoshi was certain Masuda wasn’t satisfied just with having company. He’d been searching for the revolters before their encounter and though he never once mentioned them again, Tegoshi realized he kept watch. Not just for their safety, but for someone around them that would differ. The way Masuda communicated with the outer world was inconspicuous and careful, but often still bold enough to make ordinary people stare at him for few minutes longer. There were clues in his words and he often went on touching others, briefly, naturally, in order to learn about their reactions.

Funnily, Tegoshi felt jealous. Masuda was testing people like he had been tested, and he no longer felt special. Who knew what would happen if one of those guys or girls Masuda patted on the shoulder got curious and ran after them. Would their collars also be removed, would they join them as runaways, would they establish the revolters? Tegoshi didn’t want any of that and secretly, when they walked away from people that Masuda subtly touched, he showed his teeth to repel them and keep them at a distance. Not one had followed them yet.

As Masuda suggested they’d rent an apartment together, Tegoshi started feeling more secure and assured of his importance in Masuda’s life. They didn’t have the money to afford one but Masuda suggested he’d try to find work with a fake alias, and Tegoshi had nothing to say in protest. It wasn’t brought up if Tegoshi could join the job hunt and he didn’t ask why, knowing it’d end up in a fight. Masuda would have said he’s too reckless and even if Tegoshi agreed, he’d have sulked for days because it still hurt. It was never nice to be told he wasn’t capable. It didn’t matter whether he wanted those things in the first place, he simply hated the concept impossible.

The place they settled for was rundown and depressing. The wall paint was peeling and the few windows were too small to let in light. Despite its flaws, Tegoshi felt extremely happy the first night he spent in their new home. He had never shared one with anyone before, save for his childhood home. It was different to live with a mother and a grandmother, whom had waited for him to move out, than live with a room-mate – something that didn’t exist in their world. Tegoshi knew Masuda loved it too, for he saw the broad smile on his face before they fell asleep.

They started decorating the place slowly once Masuda started getting his weekly paychecks. He had started working as a cashier in a convenience store, which convinced Tegoshi further that he desperately did continue looking for his peers. The jealousy eased off as their home got curtains, kitchen bowls and soap containers, and Tegoshi felt Masuda gravitating more toward himself than the revolters. He didn’t ask, but he begun to wonder more often if Masuda would chose him over a community. Tegoshi didn’t crave them one bit, he was completely satisfied with having one person to talk to at nights. Obviously, he wanted to approach many on the streets, but to have them? To keep them? He had no desire to.

There was only one thing Tegoshi had gotten hung up on like Masuda seemed stuck with the thought of revolters. It was the memory of the dogs in the park, the delight of hugging them and hearing them bark excitedly. Resisting the dogs he saw daily was far more harder than stopping himself from approaching humans. Tegoshi needed one he could pet whenever he wanted, one that was allowed to run to him and that he could baby-talk to without anyone looking at him weirdly.

During one of Masuda’s workdays he gave it serious thought. Masuda had bought them a kitchen table the day before. Wouldn’t it be time for a pet next, considering it looked like they were here to stay? Considering that day by day, Masuda seemed satisfied with their life with the two of us? Masuda would surely smile the way he smiled every time something new was added to their home. Tegoshi was well aware that in reality things weren’t that simple, but he couldn’t listen to the voice of reason with greed whispering nicer things in his ear.

Dressing up as plainly as he could and practicing his most robotic expressions in front of the mirror, Tegoshi prepared himself for entering a pet shop. It seemed like ages ago since he had last tried to blend in, Masuda often allowing him to act careless. Since the day at the sports field, the other had been more lenient. He had made effort to find places and times when Tegoshi could let go, instead of bringing him to settings where he couldn’t. Masuda had realized self-expression for Tegoshi was much different than for him, and Tegoshi appreciated the perception with growing affection towards the man.

Once Tegoshi was satisfied with the cold stare and the monotonous voice he'd discovered, which he wasn’t sure if he had used even with his components, he headed out. To get additional praises from Masuda, he chose a shop far from their neighborhood and signed the papers with a fake name. He returned home with a toy poodle so small he could hold it in two palms. The entire day Tegoshi played with his new dog. He took her out every hour, pampered her with leftovers he found from their fridge, made toys of every little thing loitering in the corners of their apartment. The puppy had just fallen asleep in Tegoshi’s lap when Masuda returned. She was exhausted from the excessive exercise and her ears barely twitched at the sound of the door.

On a normal day, Masuda would’ve headed to the bath first. Now that nobody welcomed him home, he went searching for Tegoshi and froze in the doorway. His face turned pale but Tegoshi didn’t care, half due to his own excitement. Neither caring that the poodle wanted to sleep, he lifted it and walked up to Masuda.

“Look what I bought,” Tegoshi whispered, even though the dog had woken up and was now harder to hold still. 

“With… With.. What money? What is that?”

An offended look passed over Tegoshi’s face, but one glance at the puppy and he was smiling again. “Dummy. It’s a poodle. Our new roomie, isn’t she cute? I didn’t come up with a name yet and hoped you could help... How about calling her Angel?”

Masuda let out a strained laugh and took a step back. Tegoshi fixed the distance by taking one forward, still holding the struggling dog up.

“You didn’t tell me anything about this.”

“You didn’t tell me about the kitchen table,” Tegoshi pouted. His reaction to the furniture hadn’t been a pallid face and a stutter, though. He had been excited to run hands over it and test if it could hold one’s body weight. Masuda would’ve been equally hurt if he had gotten angry instead.

“That’s completely different! We can’t have a dog! And what about… Oh god. You went out by yourself?” Masuda frowned and placed hands over his hips, making Tegoshi pout even more. It was one of the rare times he wanted Masuda’s attention directed to something else but him.

“It went fine, everything went fine… I wore these clothes, was really sophisticated, they didn’t suspect a thing. Did everything you would’ve done,” Tegoshi explained boringly, though with hint of pride. Masuda seemed to relax a bit, but no tender look replaced the wary one. Tegoshi finally squatted down to let the dog free and it ran to Masuda’s feet, pleading greetings and caresses. Even then, the man didn’t soften.

“Don’t be so cold,” Tegoshi huffed as he reached to pet the puppy Masuda wasn’t giving any attention to. 

“I don’t want a dog,” Masuda finally exclaimed, his voice whiny and childish in a way that Tegoshi’s was so often. It was unexpected of someone as calm and collected as Masuda, but at the same time amusing and difficult to take too seriously.

“You don’t want it? Even though it’s so cute?”

“I… And we can’t even return it, heck, Tegoshi. What are we going to do...” Masuda voice turned lower and he turned around, beginning to pace around the apartment. The dog wagged its tail and followed at his heels, the sight making Tegoshi soften in Masuda’s stead. This was what about dogs charmed him; the open-hearted innocence that was also present in small children. The dog would not mind if the human was disgusted by her, she’d still offer her unconditional love.

“And where did you get the money?” Masuda turned around again, quickly glancing at the puppy ogling up at him. Tegoshi shrugged indifferently.

“Tegoshi,” Masuda pressed.

“Fine. I used this week’s budget for food,” Tegoshi sighed dramatically and got up himself. That was an aspect he hadn’t thought through. Eating hadn’t seemed like a necessity when he had craved love so deeply. He had considered how to keep the dog without drawing unwanted attention and he had considered how they’d make life work with a pet. He had considered where she'd sleep and where her eating bowls would be placed. He had thought of reasons for why they needed a dog, but none for how it was the most efficient use of money. Tegoshi turned to face the wall, not wanting to show he was ashamed. By then he had learned Masuda knew him too well, and could read his each facial expression and change in demeanor.

“Tegoshi,” Masuda sighed, disappointment evident in his voice. Yet, there was something gentle about it, like there always was in Masuda’s undertones. A hand was placed upon Tegoshi’s shoulder and there was a light squeeze. “You could’ve at least told me you wanted a dog.”

“You would’ve said we can’t have one and then be even madder that I bought it anyway...” 

“Yeah,” Masuda admitted with another heavy breath.

The conversation died as Tegoshi didn't offer an apology and Masuda didn't have anything to say before receiving one. Not another word was said about the dog, but it seemed Masuda wasn’t about to throw it out. Like he had mentioned, wanting to get rid of one was far more suspicious than getting one. People were wired to be committed and persistent, and they very rarely made miscalculations. Returning and abandoning pets spoke of abnormality, which was one thing that actually made sense in their world, one point they could admit that the system had fixed right. 

Tegoshi spent rest of the day with the dog instead of Masuda. The other delved into filling his scrapbook with items and ideas he hadn’t yet glued and put down, whilst ignoring everything else around him. Not until bedtime did they enter the same room again, both quiet, but aware that they at least had to tell each other goodnight. 

Masuda didn’t seem angry but he was cold, and Tegoshi found it hardest to approach him in that state. He watched the other’s back as they changed into their pajamas, watched it still when they lay down, as Masuda avoided turning round at all cost. The dog was in the room with them, settling between them when they both found comfortable positions and prepared themselves for sleep.

“Massu,” Tegoshi whispered before the body in front of him relaxed too much. There was no response, but he knew Masuda was still awake.

“Can we go on a date?”

The body stiffened in front of him and all of a sudden Masuda started tugging more blankets over himself. Tegoshi shifted slightly closer, the poodle giving a confused yelp at the disturbance. 

“Can we? I was thinking… You could design something for me. Wouldn’t that be nice? We’d go before the curfew, maybe to the place where I played soccer, remember? It was really quiet there, so maybe we could change into your designs there and maybe have a picnic basket again.”

Masuda turned his head the slightest bit and Tegoshi moved even closer to see what look he was giving. It was hard to tell in the darkness, but he assumed Masuda was at least slightly interested. Usually when the other disagreed with something, he stated it quickly and sternly. It was easy to tell when he could be persuaded. A moment later Masuda turned around completely to face him, and Tegoshi had to shift further away at the sudden awareness of how close they were. 

“A date?” Masuda repeated quietly. “I guess we could… But how are we going to afford a picnic basket when you used all our money?”

Tegoshi looked down at his new puppy to avoid the accusing gaze, only to realize he didn’t regret his actions. The dog was worth of a week’s starvation. “Then let’s just take Angel with us,” he replied with a smile splitting his face. Masuda rolled his eyes before putting an end to the discussion by turning his back again. Tegoshi hurried to fix the damage and inched close enough to grab the other’s arm.

“Sorry, sorry. I really just want to take you out. Nowadays you let me be myself all the time, so I want to let you be yourself too for a change… I know you’re already making all kinds of accessories for your clothes, but you haven’t actually worn the kind of clothes you really want to. Am I right?”

Tegoshi was nearly startled by the hand that was slowly placed over his. The atmosphere was suddenly brimming with fondness and the thumb that begun caressing the back of Tegoshi’s palm was enough to tell how much those words meant to Masuda. Tegoshi had meant them as a form of apology, hoping to manipulate Masuda into thinking something positive so he’d forget about the dog. It seemed he had hit the spot without meaning to. 

Tegoshi’s heart had skipped a beat and was now thumping in his chest in the most uncomfortable way. His intuition told him to lean over and kiss the side of Masuda’s face, make him turn and then reach for his mouth. This time he froze before acting impulsively, and was left observing the odd desire. His feelings that had until then been vague were suddenly self-evident. The caresses were what he wanted from Masuda. The looks, the attention, the note that he was special. 

As a child it had been easy to say he was in love. The tiniest feeling of attraction would have made him decide on it and confess. Even though he was back to his real self, something about him and the way he processed feeling had changed. Puppy love was for kids, the kind of admiration he felt now was new. A feeling that had been locked away and that he hadn’t encountered before. Tegoshi wasn’t sure how he should’ve gone on about it, for he remembered a kiss hadn’t played well for him before. There would have to be other shortcuts to one’s heart.

“I’d love that,” Masuda murmured suddenly, making Tegoshi flinch as he snapped awake from his daydreams. “I just need some time to make the outfits. A week maybe...”

Tegoshi smiled though the other couldn’t see, and leaned in to press his cheek against Masuda’s hand. Unobtrusive enough while still being suggestive. The caresses ceased instantly but other than that, the man didn’t show signs of freaking out.

“Thanks, Massu. It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah… It will. Go to sleep now.”

Tegoshi was itching to make more advances. His fingertips were turning tingly and sweaty against Masuda’s arm from slight nervousness, while he contemplated how to proceed, how to make a move. The puppy that crawled under Tegoshi’s arm made him forget about the compelling need to do it now, and he withdrew. There was someone else needing his kisses, hugs and cuddles, someone whose attention he wouldn’t need to fight for.

The next day Masuda started working on the outfits. The long workdays were draining him, but he didn't allow himself to sleep until he had sewn a little each day. He had gathered materials thorough the weeks, sometimes recyclables from the streets and sometimes cheap fabrics from the markets. Tegoshi sat down next to him every night to watch him work, not that interested in clothes, but finding Masuda’s passion worthy enough of his time.

On the fifth day Masuda had finished his own piece and showed it off proudly. It was a design that couldn’t be found in his books, but which was as mad and colorful as any of them. His crafts turned out to be much more dazzling in real life, the materials looking different depending on the light and movement, the details and cuts more striking. For the first time Tegoshi got to see how it all fitted Masuda, as the man tried it on for a small fashion show.

“Now then, I’ll be working on yours next. I got some ideas and drafted them already, so take a look and tell me if you like any of those,” Masuda sat down still in his flashy clothes and showed the pages with sketches of various costumes. They were all funny-looking and would’ve been marvelous on Masuda, but Tegoshi couldn’t imagine being clad in any of them. Hesitantly, he started browsing the book backwards for earlier designs. He could’ve spoken his mind but didn’t want to sweep off the rare smile decorating Masuda’s face. After careful consideration, he pointed at one of the pages.

“This. I want to try this,” Tegoshi said confidently and Masuda leaned in to look. He erupted into laughter thinking Tegoshi was trying to be silly, but the chuckles subsided quickly when the other didn’t join them.

“You’re serious?”

“Yes. Or does our world have such limitations?” Tegoshi smiled sweetly and took another glance at the clothes. The model Masuda had drawn was undoubtedly a woman, but the skirt and blouse had the kind of design Tegoshi wanted for himself. The soft colors were on point, the excessive frills were to his liking and the jewelry made it look as elegant as Tegoshi wanted to feel. If Masuda was confident in bright colors, he would feel like royalty in a dress.

“Okay… If you don’t mind postponing the outing...”

“Date,” Tegoshi corrected.

“The date. I don’t think I have all the materials needed for that, but I’ll get my next paycheck soon,” Masuda spoke somewhat reluctantly, but didn’t reject Tegoshi’s ideas even if he was surprised by them. Neither of them knew what had gender roles been like in the old days, or if non-binary genders had been common. They only knew a world where women and men existed, and how they were expected to appear, but that world was distorted to an extent that they still didn’t have a clear idea what was natural and what was faux. There wasn’t much diversity or space for it to grow. 

Since it felt natural for Tegoshi, Masuda accepted it despite its foreignness to him. By the time he started working on the costume, he seemed already at peace with the idea.

The day arrived at last. Preparations had taken longer than they anticipated, but there was a bright side to all the waiting. There had been time for more paychecks to come in, and including the picnic basket in their plans was again possible. They packed lunch, their startling outfits, and took Angel with them as they left for their first date. For the first time they felt like a couple walking side by side, despite them often going out together. It wasn’t as awkward as it could’ve been and Tegoshi was certain the idea wouldn’t have bothered Masuda if presented out loud. 

They found the spot they had once been to before. Like months ago, the sports field was eerily quiet and dark, and completely free of any passer-by. The stores around them were closed, and all windows remained unlit. They sat on their bench for a fair amount of time, making sure they wouldn’t be disturbed, until they zipped their bags open and dug out the clothes they really planned to wear.

With faint laughter they started changing, finding it funny to be in their underwear in public even for fifteen seconds. Masuda got his outfit on first and helped Tegoshi adjusting his, making sure the pearl necklace draped over his shoulders delicately and all garments were buttoned up. For a moment they admired each other in silence, while enjoying the freedom of dressing up according to their personal taste.

Masuda looked like a new person in Tegoshi’s eyes. The odd personality and creativity that were always concealed were now visible. Tegoshi had felt equally comfortable in his jeans as the dress, but he knew they were both looking their most authentic selves.

Once they were done ogling each other, they chose a spot from the field and sat down with their food. Tegoshi let his dog free and it ran far from them, came back and did more rounds, enjoying the freedom in her own way. This time even Masuda was watching her fondly as she padded, like he was finally acknowledging her as part of the family.

“You know what we forgot to buy,” Tegoshi faked disappointment as he went through the contents of their basket. “Alcohol. We should’ve gotten drunk again.”

“Yeah, right,” Masuda laughed, giving Tegoshi’s shoulder a playful push. “And return home like this? Last time you offered the receptionist wine, imagine what would happen if you did that to our janitor? In a dress on top of that!”

Tegoshi had no memory of such incident but the mental image made him laugh. The alcohol had went up his head fast that night and he remembered very little past the kiss. There had been silliness, but that was the part he felt most happy about. It had been the first time they did something together and the first time he saw Masuda loosen up a little.

“So what? Then we’d just find another place to live in and another place for you to work at.”

“I wonder if it’d be time for you to start working, too,” Masuda cocked a brow playfully. Tegoshi felt pleased by the acknowledgment, even if he had no desire to start suffering twelve hours a day now. It would’ve been fair considering how hard Masuda was pushing himself so they could live comfortably, but he knew he couldn’t have pulled it off. It was enough for him if Masuda trusted that he could’ve.

“Should I? I’ve been doing pretty well lately, haven’t I? You even take me to the store with you nowadays.”

“Your manners improved,” Masuda hummed as he dug for rice balls in their bento and wolfed down one. 

“Not only that! I have completely mastered the art of pretending!” 

“I guess you’re pretty good. At first I thought you would never learn to control yourself, but that was just naive of me.”

Tegoshi beamed at the compliments and threw himself back to lay on the ground. It was wonderful how each word coming from Masuda’s mouth could lift his spirits even higher, make him even happier. He felt like floating in the air, his body light and mind on cloud nine. Masuda’s stare was on him, he felt it, but in his current state he was unable to get greedier and wish for the stare to have more meaning. Tonight, it was all right if Masuda didn’t return his feelings. It would’ve been okay even if right then, Masuda had announced he wished they were surrounded by revolters.

“Tegoshi,” Masuda broke the silence, his voice sounding mellow in the night air. Tegoshi didn’t look his way, for he saw enough even while simultaneously looking at the stars. He was aware of the other’s body moving closer to his and it felt warm pressing against his side. “Thanks for suggesting this.”

“I did it so you’d forgive me for getting Angel,” Tegoshi grinned mischievously. There wasn’t a better time to confess bad deeds, since nothing could have possibly spoiled the mood that night. And Masuda didn’t scoff, sit up, and scold him. If anything, Tegoshi was sure the man was smiling alongside him. 

The sky view got blocked all of a sudden when Masuda's face appeared above his. Before Tegoshi could ask the other to move away, a pair of lips got pressed against his. Tegoshi heard his own breath hitching and his heartbeats picking up. There were no traces of hesitation, nothing implying Masuda had decided on it hastily or intended to pull away. Tegoshi melted into it slowly, responding with the softest brush of lips that had Masuda deepening the kiss further. The other's body was starting to shift atop him when Tegoshi finally broke it, a breathy laughter following.

“Oi! Masuda, I don’t like you that way!”

“Huh..? I thought… You… I’m so sorry,” Masuda frowned and sat up quickly, his panicked reaction making Tegoshi’s laughter blare even louder. Before the moment was over, and to cause a heart attack as violent as Masuda’s abruptness had caused him, Tegoshi pulled the other back down by the arm and rolled over him. Instead of drowning him in another kiss, he placed hands on either side of Masuda’s face.

“I was joking,” he announced brightly, his cheeks a healthy color of red. Masuda was avoiding his gaze, visibly embarrassed. 

“That was a pretty bad joke...”

“Oh? I thought it was brilliant. Remember, you said that to me back then? That you don’t like...”

“Yeah, yeah,” Masuda groaned in irritation. It didn’t matter at this point what appalled expression his face had or what pitch his voice was. None of it was to be trusted; Tegoshi knew now for certain what Masuda really felt. He pecked Masuda’s lips like an old lover, the only response to that being another suppressed groan. Masuda was subtly trying to push Tegoshi off him, but to no avail.

“So now you do, huh? You like me that way? Or did you kiss me just because you’re lonely and wanted just anybody?”

“No,” Masuda hurried to say, “That's not it.”

“So you like me?” Tegoshi beamed brighter. “You love me?” 

“Something like that.”

There was a wary eye contact. The hands stopped resisting and held onto Tegoshi’s blouse, and the silence that followed had them both becoming more aware of each other. Of their positioning, of their warmth, feelings and possibilities. Tegoshi’s happiness was replaced with a bliss of different kind. Adrenaline pumped through his veins and Masuda’s heart felt as loud as his below him.

The dog started suddenly barking at a distance and brought their attention back to their surroundings. It sounded cheerful, but was drifting away until disappearing completely. Tegoshi averted his gaze to look around them, not seeing a sight of the poodle who had stayed close until then. Masuda pushed him off quickly and stood up before Tegoshi had time to grasp the situation. The basket was left, so were the leash and food laying on the ground. Tegoshi was pulled up and he had to start running in order to match Masuda’s pace.

“It came from the other way…” Tegoshi noted, but Masuda’s grip only tightened. “Massu, she was barking from the other side of the field.” There was a sob now; he was certain it was so, and that they were running away from where they were needed. “Massu!”

Masuda finally stopped, but his colorless face offered no reassurance. “Fuck… I forgot to grab the clothes. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Masuda shot a desperate glance at their previous spot and Tegoshi’s eyes followed. A group of people in uniforms had entered the field behind them, a couple spotting them immediately. The color faded off Tegoshi’s face as well, and he would’ve frozen in place if Masuda hadn’t continued running again.

Entering the busy streets, they bumped into a stranger and stumbled down. Unfortunately they hadn’t crashed into a slow individual, as it took only five seconds for the strange man to realize their true identities. After all, it wasn't difficult now with their outfits as they were and their necks completely uncovered. Nobody would’ve thought twice whether they were criminals, the evidence was right in front of them. The man pinned down Masuda who he got hold of first and Tegoshi’s arm was instantly released. Tegoshi scrambled up and took steps away from them both, scared of getting caught himself. 

“Run! I’m going to catch up, you run first!” 

Tegoshi’s eyes met with Masuda’s. There was panic in them, similar that he knew was visible in his. Running was what he wanted to do, while he knew that Masuda could not possibly break free and running meant abandoning him. The other kept shouting at him until his feet started working and without a word, he did as told. Tegoshi ran down the street, careful not to bump into anyone else, and entered a quieter pathway as soon as he could. He kept going, out of breath and with continuous sobs escaping him. He should’ve been safe after fifteen minutes of running across empty streets, but he had a feeling that he was not. 

The gut feeling was right, but by continuing to run Tegoshi couldn’t still avoid his fate. Hands grabbed onto him during the first break he granted for himself, and pulled him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! (((༼•̫͡•༽)))
> 
> Finally speeding it up in this chapter. I meant to do it earlier but it didn't feel right... I hope you won't feel too bothered by the change now. 
> 
> Thank you for reading again and sticking with me this long! ♡


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